I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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