iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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