If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
