You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
