I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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