so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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