We won't sleep together?
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
