I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he puts the penis in happiness.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
