I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize