My sheets look like a crime scene.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
