Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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