3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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