Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
