im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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