The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
