i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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