So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
