I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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