Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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