well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
