is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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