A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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