I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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