Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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