RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
