hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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