When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Actions speak louder than pants.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
foreskin is a definite game changer
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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