the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just had sex on a roof
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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