apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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