i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
