Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
be right there i have to get my cape
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
