There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You pole danced in your parka.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
