I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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