she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
