People in love make me want to vomit
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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