It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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