woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
