I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have aggressive nipples.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
