I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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