Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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