Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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