from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
