As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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