Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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