imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
