I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
