how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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