my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
