Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
