oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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