I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
