I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
