I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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