Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
did you just send me my own nude
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
