She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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