Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
