First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
