By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
