I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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