rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
