So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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